hot tramp, i love you so

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 07:51:49 GMT

http://www.myspace.com/heatherlindsay/

...because i honestly need another way to avoid term papers.

Wed, 25 Jan 2006 02:31:21 GMT

short hair again, on a whim. i like it.
things are so-so. leaning towards good.

Tue, 17 Jan 2006 16:34:05 GMT

new address, finally
72 egmont st, apt #2
brookline MA 02446.
send me things.

ps. the flatmates are completely fabulous,
we bake cakes and watch heath ledger movies together.
<3 <3 <3

Sun, 01 Jan 2006 02:26:46 GMT

for 2006, my resolutions are set. things will be fine. smile.

happy new year! love you.

Thu, 29 Dec 2005 08:26:08 GMT

i wish bruce springsteen would realize that he's just not that cool anymore. the rising was a terrible idea.

Mon, 26 Dec 2005 00:12:12 GMT

i'm in the mood for dancing.

happy chanukah, merry christmas, happy everything! love you.

Mon, 07 Nov 2005 07:48:30 GMT

i cannot stop smiling.

Fri, 14 Oct 2005 14:05:06 GMT

"bye bye birdie" this weekend. albert, hugo, conrad, and harry: you boys light up my life.

"and then there were none" first week of november. come see it, the costumes will be pro.

it feels so good to be back in the theater. i feel more comfortable in the wings than in the audience. and it's taken until now to realize just how much i've missed this.

Fri, 07 Oct 2005 12:32:33 GMT

19, hello.

Thu, 29 Sep 2005 15:05:29 GMT

sick. send love.
it smells like october.

the real problems...

my house is sandwiched between two brushfires, neither very well contained. my dad's at the one in simi, he's been there for a couple days and it doesn't look like they'll be discharged anytime soon. he's on the older end of the spectrum as far as firefighters go, and i worry more about him these days. the wildfires are hard on him, and he doesn't want to admit it. i love him, and he loves his job, and all i can do is support that.

i've been sick for a full week. finally am recovering with the help of antibiotics, cough syrup, and a lot of naps. this problem has started to resolve itself. no point dwelling on it.

i've been seeing a boy named chris who lives in cambridge. the dating part didn't really work; but we became friends, and i was happy with this. today i received an email from him, saying that it's "probably best if we head our own separate ways. sorry for ending it so abruptly." remember the episode of sex and the city where berger breaks it off with carrie through a post-it note? yeah, it's like that. i'd love to at least be broken up in a respectable way. emails are not mature, nor do they offer any closure whatsoever. he's off my buddy list, phone book, everything. the end.

birthdays. i can't stand having my own birthday. not much one can do to change this, of course. but i hate the concept of having people suck up to you for a full 24 hours. i don't like telling people it's my birthday unless they are my friends (in which case they probably know, and are wonderful and i adore them). the enthusiastic responses from strangers usually seem full of bullshit, and i don't like the attention, and it makes me uncomfortable. according to a wise old owl, maybe i need to learn to relax before october seventh rolls around. i doubt it'll work this year.

friends. i don't have a distinctive circle of friends in college. they are scattered across campus in a million other circles. theater kids, floormates, FYSOP buddies, work friends, classmates, et cetera. and i wish there was just one person who i could call any time. but the one possibility of that has totally faded away, and he's preoccupied and i feel like an idiot for thinking i was a priority at some point. i don't like being a weight on someone's legs. i need to stop asking for his advice, need to not hope to see his screen name as soon as i sign online. this is pathetic, and i am making a fool of myself.

i don't know what else is really worth mentioning. it's just a bad time in general. i miss home, i miss liz, i miss my dogs, i miss my dad. things will fall into place. but right now i'm stuck with this mess for a bit longer.

Sun, 04 Sep 2005 02:23:29 GMT

http://speakup.oxygen.com/campaigns/neworleans/register/9abe74c3ea07cc8543ae1209bbcbeb9a/

do something. please.

Wed, 31 Aug 2005 19:06:54 GMT

back to boston tomorrow. can't wait.

Sat, 16 Jul 2005 02:33:10 GMT

change of plans, finally something to lift my spirits. i'll be visiting the new york city and new jersey area early next month, from the fourth to the eighth. tali, linds (and sarah too if you can make it into the city), i fully expect to be seeing all of you. steve, monday at zen palace for lunch? tali, is it alright if i crash at your place on thursday night? other than that, i'll either be with the wonderful lindsey moss in manhattan, or in jersey with the boy i've been missing for months. can't wait to see you east coasters again. love you much.

getting it off my chest

Wed, 29 Jun 2005 08:37:03 GMT

for the record, i've been happy lately. things are good. israel was amazing, and i want to move back there as soon as i can. work's going well, my family and friends are healthy, things are settling into their places.

and yet there's so much nonsense going on, that keeps me from falling asleep at night. i'm lonelier here than i've felt in ages. i'm in love, and he's far away. or i think i'm in love. and it'll be another two months until i can see him. for now all i've got is the phone and the computer and the occasional letter, all of which does very little to comfort me. meanwhile i'm dating someone here who feels like dead weight tied around my ankles. someone who doesn't show me that he has any passion for life or his ambitions, someone who just moves along however the tide pulls him. i smell like pot all the time and i don't smoke. tonight he took me with him to run an errand, it ended up being a deal. i drove home feeling numb. i'll end it tomorrow, i think. and the los angeles thing in general, just leaves me disappointed. i'd rather be in boston. away from family, because all it seems to do is drag me down. i want to be back in boston. this isn't home anymore. there isn't one at all. and i hate the fact that i don't have one, because everything's so damned transitory. the past year, i've been uprooted. there can't be relationships, because every six months you're somewhere new. i couldn't handle anything with prince charming in los angeles because i was scared of what would happen when i fell for him and then left for boston in january. and i fell for one of the most amazing men i've ever met, and now he's three thousand miles away and i can't tell him how i feel because it'd just be words uttered over the phone or written in a letter, and that doesn't do justice to how much i care. hell, i hate it.

this is a strange kind of lonely. it's hard to define. i know i've got friends here. i know i'm loved. but i'm torn in half, with one side of me glad to be here, and the other wishing i was gone. it's impossible to live like that. i need some kind of answer. i need september, now.

Wed, 25 May 2005 18:53:22 GMT

TO ISRAEL:
EL AL Flight Number LY106 departs USA on:
Thursday 26 May '05 from LAX at 12.30 p.m.
Arrival in Israel on:
Friday 27 May '05 at 16.20 p.m.

FROM ISRAEL:
EL AL Flight Number LY105 departs Israel on:
Tuesday 7 June '05 from Ben Gurion Airport at 00.55 a.m.
Arrival at LAX on:
Tuesday 7 June '05 at 10.20 a.m.

this'll be good for me.

Thu, 19 May 2005 07:38:54 GMT

it's about time i updated this thing.

i'm back in los angeles for summer, flew in last friday night. since then i've been spending my time stirring up trouble with a handful of you, working, and fighting with the mother hen of this household.

highlights include sexual harassment by my best friend fo' lyfe's little sister; drew almost getting hit (again) by a car; playing tag on the 405; and great conversations with you guys and dolls.

lowlights include too much work for not enough tips; and the usual ever-failing attempts to coexist with my mother.

i leave for israel in one week and twelve hours. this is most definitely a highlight. i'll be back the seventh of june. meanwhile, can't wait to board that plane.

thank you's to liz, derek, mike, lisa, drew, and josh for getting me through the past few days. i love you kids so much, and i wouldn't be able to stand the summers at home if it weren't for you.

if you're in town and i haven't seen you yet, please do call me (or call me back) -- i want to have some time with you! the other breaks have all been so rushed, but there's actually some space and time now. let's make it happen, babes.

peace.

an interview

Sun, 08 May 2005 01:10:04 GMT

rules
1. leave me a comment saying, "interview me."
2. i will respond by asking you five questions. i get to pick the questions.
3. you will update your lj with the answers to the questions.
4. you will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. when others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

1. what’s your favorite place in boston to go hang out on a lazy afternoon?
as with every other aspect of living in boston, this is entirely contingent on the weather. of the eight or so months of the year i spend in this city, about two of them (september and may) allow for spending time outside in nice weather -- i spend these days either walking aimlessly around the city, reading in the common, or catnapping on this huge grassy lawn next to the charles river that's been dubbed the "bu beach". the rest of the year is taken up by snow, rain, wind, and ridiculously gloomy skies. this is the part where we students hole up in the dorms watching movies, avoiding our work, napping at all hours of the day, and wonder why we came to the east coast for college. in case you were wondering, today has been the second kind of day. bahhh.

2. what, in your opinion, is the most beautiful part of the jewish faith?
this is a tough one, because, to be honest, i haven't followed my faith with much devotion this year. i've lost a lot of my passion for the traditions and holidays, and though i haven't by any means turned away from judaism, i just haven't felt very inspired. a few disappointing encounters with the hillel organization at my school brought me to thinking about what it really is that i've always been so drawn to about the jewish faith. the answer that i came up with, was that it was my own orientation. i grew up in a temple with a young congregation, incredible rabbis, a beautiful cantor, and a generally liberal attitude. i've grown up with jewish friends, worked in a jewish youth organization, and have always had that sense of inclusion with the faith. the sense of community i feel whenever i return to the building and the people in it, always brings me back to the religion. at the same time, i've never felt like i couldn't look at the beliefs of other backgrounds or pick-and-choose my own beliefs. there's nothing confining about judaism; you're free to follow whatever aspects you feel are right for you, and there's never conditions for calling yourself a jew. there isn't any sort of arrogance about the faith -- it exists for the people who practice it, and not the other way around.

3. you know you’ve thought about it at some point. (i have, for sure.) what is your wedding dress going to look like?
as silly as this'll sound, i found the inspiration for my dream wedding dress a television show. project runway. which i admit, i was completely addicted to during its run. kara's design (a classic-looking silk gown with a v-neck front and simplistic cut) for the wedding dress challenge was absolutely gorgeous. i'd love to wear something like that, even if it weren't for my own wedding.

4. what’s the movie that made you cry the hardest? laugh the hardest?
without a doubt, for tear-jerkers, it'd be "the notebook" -- i didn't see it until about a month ago, and after hearing all the hype, figured it would be just a cutesy chick flick. ohhh no. i went through half a box of kleenex, and scared my roommate half to death when she walked in and saw me crying like there was no tomorrow. yeah, great movie. as for laughing...i can't pick one. it's the ones i've watched with friends, where the movie itself is funny, and then seeing one person laugh gets all of us started into hysterics. those are the best. i'd say "best in show," any of the "monty python" movies, "saved!," "harold and kumar go to white castle," and "grumpy old men" make the top of the list.

5. tell me what happened to you on your first day of high school.
lord knows, i've blocked so much of that day out that it's hard to recall. the most likely answer is that i first untucked my shirt in an attempt to look cool. and then tucked it back in, because mrs. magorian (was that her name?) scared me like no other teacher or administrator i've ever encountered. i think i also met mrs. chin that day, joy of joys. i am convinced even now that she and mr. chin are actually siblings, not spouses. look at the hair, kids -- it's undeniable.

Thu, 28 Apr 2005 00:07:30 GMT

hey, you know, i'll get through this.

i always do.

Wed, 13 Apr 2005 21:45:45 GMT

i am inexplicably happy right now.

after sleeping through my one and only lecture of the day,
cashing a paycheck that i should have put into savings,
spending a too-large sum of money on shoes and new parfum,
finding out that the levi's store in the pru closed,
and facing the realization that i may have to wait another summer for israel.

maybe it is because

i'm listening to beautiful, pure, "in-love-with-life" music right now,
the weather is gorgeous and it feels more like summer every day,
everyone around me seems to sense that summer's coming too,
i got a surprise out-of-the-blue phone call from a friend, just to say hi.
and i have a strange feeling that everything is in order right now.

this is the sort of day that you live for.

Sat, 09 Apr 2005 16:59:24 GMT

the music makes everything perfect.

OAR with Ari Hest -- mind-blowing. jam-packed. feet-stomping. high-volume everything. craaazy.

The Wailers with DeSoL -- beautiful. hip-swinging. latin dancing. classic reggae. legendary. spiritual. awakening.

and the indie-boy philosophy major with dreadlocks and idealistic, dreamer mentalities. salsa'd together. great conversation about music, travels, and street murals/stencil art. walked me back to warren after the show, arm in arm. instant connection. plans to go to damian marley's show together on the 20th. picture perfect.

this week was beautiful. last night was unforgettable. i am happy. i feel alive.

Sun, 03 Apr 2005 00:28:53 GMT

i've got a fever

and the only prescription is more cowbell!!!

kiss me, i look irish

Wed, 16 Mar 2005 18:51:31 GMT

updated version: i have tonsilitis, but not mono, and not strep. this is good. also, am responding to penecilin, feel much better today. just sore throat and fatigue; no fever or aches. this means i'll be out "honoring" saint patty's day tonight with the entire drunken population of boston. yesss.

happy saint patrick's day, darlings!

Mon, 14 Mar 2005 04:37:33 GMT

amazing spring break. my friends are unbelievably fantastic, i love you kids so much. warm weather was a nice change, as was the week-long treaty of peace with my mother. i wish every trip home could be like this; it almost made me sad to get on that plane east this morning.

now back in boston, where it's cold (a familiar feeling) and there's still snow on the ground though it's march. bahhh. seven more weeks of this, then summer. it'll seem more appealing tomorrow when i'm not so jet-lagged. meanwhile, sleep.

angsty teenage melodrama. admit it, you're hooked already.

Thu, 03 Mar 2005 07:35:41 GMT

i have two midterms tomorrow. i ought to be studying. instead, i'm posting this, the foundation for a potentially brilliant piece of writing.

disclaimer - contents penned as an attempt at humor, not self-therapy. author not as emotionally unstable as writing may imply. in other words, this is creative expression. not sincere distress. unless you are a 13-year-old high school freshman, in which case it may seem legitimately horrifying and unthinkable, and you'll understand it when you're older.

now...tribute to the female's social retardation.

tonight, for the first time in my life, i found myself speechless.
i IMed a boy, whom we'll designate as "billy," from one of my classes that's having a test tomorrow, with the intent of asking if he wanted to study together. he lives on the floor below me, so it would be a totally reasonable question, a casual, just-an-idea type thing. simple, yes? not so fast.

it could have been simple, except that i'm socially challenged. that, and i happen to like billy. very much. i am smitten by his mischievous eyes, happy-go-lucky smile, lumberjack looking beard, and his well-timed comic responses during our class discussion section. to me, he is hot shit.

well, now, that always seems to complicate things, doesn't it? yes. yes, it does. and so i manage, somewhere between "hi" and "bye," to forget what it was that i planned to ask the boy. i fumble pathetically for the right words, something witty and clever about the class or the midterm or hell, even about the bu hockey team if it comes down to that; any common ground to save myself. i come up with absolutely nothing.

so what do i do? oh, hahaha. this, friends, will be a source of embarrassment that stays with me until the day i graduate from this university. in a desperate attempt to say something (since i'd been typing and deleting, typing and deleting, typing and deleting for the last five minutes), i ask billy where he is from. i tell him that i noticed his accent, and couldn't quite place it but am curious.

there are two things wrong with this:
(1) where is he from?? you moron!! he's from boston. he wears his red sox cap everywhere, and probably would not even take it off to sing the national anthem before a game. he is a fanatical supporter of all boston sports teams. he could have easily (and eagerly) filled in for jimmy fallon in a "noooomaaaah" skit. his facebook picture shows him standing behind the world series trophy. he is from boston. duh.
(2) accent? of all the things in the world to talk about, why the accent? i am from los angeles. the natives of my city talk with their hands and use the words "like" and "as if" gratuitously (but never in the context of a simile). we have some of the most embarrassing and obnoxious accents in the world. and yet, one city produces still more obvious tones and speech patterns than mine. yes, that's right. boston. again, i come back to this fact. i am stumped. why would i ask? i do not need to. the decimated r's and prolonged a's are a dead giveaway. he has the exact same accent as every bored-sounding, overweight, 60-year-old T driver who's ever announced that the next stop on this train is "paaahk street" or "haaahvahd ave." yes, heather, this boy is clearly from boston. who enquires about an accent, anyway? unless he bears a passport, map, or english-other language dictionary, there's no answer that would be striking enough to justify asking about his accent.

if it isn't obvious, i've become very flustered by now. flustered in the "hey, i feel like a fucking idiot" sense of the word. i never realized that i might need to plan out the conversation beforehand. maybe a flow chart mapping out all the things he might potentially say, and possible responses i could give to any of them? wait, i know why this never occurred to me. because normal people have no reason for outlines to get through simple conversations. ahh, that's right. it's just me, the stuttering crush-er with my unreasonable fear of dialogue with this hercules-man.

i realize that this conversation is destined to fail. i try to think of a graceful way to bow out and forget about this little handicap. another minute, typing and deleting. nothing seems to save the situation, since the damage has already been done. i think of aristotle (whose teachings i'll be tested on in about twelve hours in my ethics class), who says that we must wish for ends and then deliberate on the means. i wish desperately for an end. i put my whole being into wishing for an end. my entire hypothetical imperative, my counsels of prudence, my rules of skill (we're talking kant now, by the way); all i want is for this little instant messenger dialog box of shame and grief to close. in my modern literature class, we've talked about paralysis as a theme in joyce's writing. i tell you now, joyce has nothing on me. i cannot do a thing, cannot process a single sentence to save my own ass. i am a social quadraplegic.

maybe it was G-d's good grace, or maybe karma is repaying me for the man with cerebral palsy who i helped navigate through kenmore square last week; but somehow (thankfully, finally, wonderfully) the end is achieved. billy tells me he is going to get back to looking over his notes, and hopes i have a nice night, and with that, his away message is up and it is done. i manage to spit out a "see ya tomorrow," then gratefully click the X bubble and erase the most embarrassing five minutes of my life to date.

i sit for a second and think about what actually just happened, coming to the conclusion that yes, i have seen hell and it was an AIM chat. it dawns on me that i will likely never be able to look at this boy again without being reminded of my impairment and clear display thereof, but i really don't care very much. there are other devilishly handsome, beard-bearing, sharp-witted, intelligent, straight men at this university. i think. are there? oh, shit...that's discouraging.

now that the episode's ended, i've found an abundance of words to mirror my sad little story. i doubt i'll ever want to approach such a desirable guy for a very long time after this, unless it is to ask him to donate a kidney or lung to me. even then, i may have some reservations. laughable as it seems, this was an alarming encounter for me, having been neither speechless nor petrified before. now i have known both. i pray that one educational experience is enough.

Wed, 02 Mar 2005 05:33:51 GMT

new screen name:

words we found

add it, darlings.